Gaz Facts #1 – Cheese is actually made of nightmares.

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It’s a little known fact* that the myth ‘cheese gives you nightmares’ is actually a mistranslation of the very origins of cheese itself: cheese is made of nightmares! Or rather, the concept of cheese originated from a nightmare.

Think about it. At some point in the ancient past, in the ‘pre-cheese’ dark ages, someone, somewhere, must have looked at a quantity of rotting milk and thought to themselves ‘hmm, those lumpy bits look nice’.

Who else but an individual plagued by nightmarish visions and motivations would have succumb to such an urge? I imagine a primitive dairy farmer, tossing in his straw bed, beads of sweat running down his furrowed brow as images of naked, toasted bread, danced behind his tired eyes, mocking him and shrieking for a delicious topping of some sort.

But where would he find such a thing? It literally didn’t yet exist. Perhaps he experimented with other mouldy produce before hitting on the all important milk-factor. How different our favourite snack would be now if that farmer had instead reached into a vat of rotting fish carcasses. But no! Thankfully he was prompted by the nocturnal whisperings of demonic muses to try and eat a mass of congealing cow’s lactic fluid.

And thank God he did! It’s delicious.

 

*This is not a fact. From a whole two minutes researching this on the internet, no one really knows how cheese was discovered, but was likely cured naturally from bacteria on cows teats and has been dated back over 7500 in Europe from remnants of rudimentary cheese straining equipment.

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Asterix: The Mansions of the Gods Review

Using my Laughs, tears, cheese and cheers rating system, here is my spoiler-free review of ‘Asterix: The Mansions of the Gods’, with links below if you want to find out more.

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Laughs: 2/5

I’ve always loved Asterix since my brother and I used to constantly check them out of our library as kids and go mad for every new animated film release (the Twelve Tasks was our favourite I think). The books always made me titter more than belly laugh, but the films seemed to up the comedy. As an adult watching the first animated version in over ten years (the franchise went live action for a good while), I found this at the same level – generally good fun without big belly laughs. It might be my age, or just that this outing wasn’t as whacky as the surreal ‘Twelve Tasks’ or ‘Cleopatra’ offerings, but it’s not a distraction, if you’re a fan.

Tears: 1/5

It’s heart-warming in places with Obelix’s relationship with the son of a displaced Roman family, but this is no Disney tear-jerker for sure.

Cheese: 0/-5

It is what it is – a film about invincible Gauls who take magic potion to fend off the Roman Empire. Cheese doesn’t enter into it if you are familiar with the world.

Cheers: 2/5

It was daunting at first seeing that this was the first fully 3D animated Asterix feature and worrying it was going to be sub-par. I forget that this is a massive French franchise, so while the movie wasn’t really publicised over here, it has good production values, and some of the comedy potion-fuelled action was rendered well into CG animation, giving great Roman bashing fist pumps along the way…

Bonus Category: Bearable Whitehall +1

My heart dropped when I saw ‘starring Jack Whitehall as Asterix’ on the description. I’m not a fan , to be honest. But fair play to the man, he did a good job of the voice acting, and along with the rest of the cast who I am more fond of generally (including Nick Frost, Matt Berry, Catherine Tate , Jim Broadbent and Harry Enfield), they brought the translation to life.

Total: 6

(Check the Leader Board to see how it compares…)

Summary

A welcome animated return to the village of indomitable Gauls for fans of the franchise who have spent ten years trying to reconcile Gerard Depardieu as Obelix. I doubt it will convince many adults who aren’t already fans, but kids would probably love it, and its heart is in the right place.

Links:

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asterix:_The_Mansions_of_the_Gods

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3759416/

Agree / Disagree with my assessment? Leave a comment to let me know or submit your own scores for this or any other film listed in the leader board below to be aggregated into the upcoming ‘readers choice’ table on the main rating page…

Ghostbusters Answer The Call Review

Using my Laughs, tears, cheese and cheers rating system, here is my spoiler-free review for the fun-packed ‘Ghostbusters – Answer The Call’, with links below if you want to find out more.

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Laughs: 3/5

Not every joke lands, but with Paul Feig and his muse of choice Melissa McCarthy at the helm, it’s no surprise that the comedy shines through the weight of expectation like an accelerated nuclear proton beam through ectoplasm. It’s a fun, funny film, which side steps the shadow of the original by bringing it’s own style of mirth to the party.

Tears: 0/5

Not one tear is shed. It’s just not that kind of movie, unless you have a soft spot for mischievous supernatural entities and don’t like seeing them smooshed.

Cheese: 0/-5

Happy to report this is a cheese free zone. The film is well aware of it’s own preposterousness and therefore coexists happily with it.

Cheers: 4/5

Plenty of fist pump moments here (including some predictable but welcome cameos), just falling shy of full marks, because let’s face it, this isn’t an original movie by nature, so you never get that sense of awe and inspiration at seeing something totally new (unless of course you’ve never seen the original, in which case you may well do… lucky you!).

It may not have been the movie everyone was looking for, but I think those people forgot that you can just watch the original if that’s what you were after. As a nostalgic homage, an assured reboot, an action comedy, and a welcome delve back into the world of busting ghosts however, it delivers throughout.

Fears: +1

I ain’t afraid of no ghost! And I don’t expect most of the film’s returning adult audience would find this half as creepy as the woman in the library… But, it definitely erred on the right side of creepy in places. Perhaps if I was 30 years younger this may have chilled me more.

Bonus Category: I ain’t afraid of no trolls… +2

Some ‘orrible people had their targets set on this film from the moment it was announced as being a female cast, and some even directed this against the cast on social media. Well, those people are dicks, and the way it was handled by the cast and crew, both within and outside of the movie, was admirable.

Total: 10

(Check the Leader Board to see how it compares…)

Summary

It’s a shame the future of this franchise is once again in doubt given that the box office didn’t make enough to cover both the film and the extensive marketing campaign that one wonders may have been a direct result of the unwarranted social media thrashing by the darker side of fandom. I hope not. This was a good, enjoyable film, bringing the core ideals of the original to a new time and audience. Go watch it and buy it, then we might get more.

Links:

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghostbusters_(2016_film)

IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1289401/

Agree / Disagree with my assessment? Leave a comment to let me know or submit your own scores for this or any other film listed in the leader board below to be aggregated into the upcoming ‘readers choice’ table on the main rating page…

ADMIN CAT! Is being tailed…

This week ADMIN CAT! is locked in mortal combat with an old enemy… 05/05/2014.

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For more adventures, click on ADMIN CAT! from the category menu in the right hand side of the screen. Feel free to use this cartoon elsewhere, but please use the webpage link and not just the image itself. Also, while you’re here, why not take a look around at my other posts? Or check out my new book on Amazon: http://ow.ly/w70Vr.

ADMIN CAT! Has a new friend?

This week’s Admin Cat! By Garry Abbott. (10/04/2014)

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For more cartoons, click on ‘ADMIN CAT!’ from the categories menu on the right hand side. Feel free to re-post this cartoon, but please use the URL (webpage address) rather than just the image so that people know where to find more ADMIN CAT!

Why not have a look around at some other posts while you’re here?